My Heart Will Always Be the B-Side to My Tongue

I write in a notebook frequently (so as not to be one of those cliché teenage girls who writes in her diary every time a thought comes) to keep myself what I hope to be a some what sane person. Some of my thoughts are happy but most of the time I find myself writing only when I am depressed or angry. Im not sure how to interpret my actions, but im sure that they mean nothing good. 
So i keep thinking back to a few "entries" i wrote about 2-3 weeks back, i find it funny how one moment you can feel totally elated and the next your back to earth living life’s hardships like everyone else. I can't help but wonder why it took two weeks of me feeling happy to wonder how i ever felt that way, and then two seconds to understand it again. I guess life’s just weird that way.

Here's something that i wrote about two weeks ago that i now have a new found understanding of again. When only three hours before i thought that i was crazy for ever having felt that way. Some of the thoughts i wrote then have changed but still some of it remains with me.

I have been lost within myself lately. My mind has taken me prisoner and refuses to release me. All I do all day is think about my life and how things are going, and are constantly questioning myself and everything around me. I feel as if I have isolated myself from the world, and in all truth and actuality I think I have. I go through school not paying attention, how I only have A’s and B’s is way beyond me, I have pretty much given up and stopped making an effort to do anything productive, or pretty much anything period. I have fought with my mind many a time and yet it always seems to win, and keeps me in the same place I have been in, feeling completely lost. Will I ever find myself again, my true self, or will I remain forever lost, a complete zombie to the world and everything around me. Will I even come close? I fear that I wont and that really scares me, and to add to that “scariness”, the only way I will ever know is to wait. That  is because only time can tell.

This is for my sanity’s sake. Sometimes I find it hardest to think, when all I can do is think. Doesn’t  make any sense, I know. But to me it does, becas I just seem to have those times when im trying hard to concentrate on something and my mind is just racing with thoughts, and before I can catch the first one, a new one comes along to replace it. It just ends up wasting my time. I get nothing done when life is like that, and yet it seems to be that way a lot lately. There is so much going on in my life I don’t get a thought for myself. I wish the world could be put on pause just to give my restless mind the much needed relaxing time. Seeing as that will never happen though I decided to try and slow down some of those thoughts that are the constant hurricane called my mind and write them down if possible.

I wish that I could put all the chaos and problems in the world into a small bottle, that I would keep in my pocket. I would live life in perfect harmony, there would be no troubles for anyone. There would be no hate, violence, war, prejudice, and Peas (they are just God awful little buggers), NOTHING. Everyone would be in perfect bliss. Of course at the end of the day I would have to open that bottle and let it all back into the world. I would have no choice. A world without chaos is a life without living. But just once I would like to know what that would be like. Boring im sure, but still I cant help but to wonder, and I fear I always shall.

I wish this could be me! if only it were truely possible!